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Guilt pebbles

When it rains it pours.


My work schedule was such yesterday that I had to skip lunch, a time I treasure as rest and recharge, and as soon as I was done with work I rushed to the car shop, there to find out that I had a $2000 repair waiting for me. When I got back I hastily rushed through a blog so that I could go to volleyball on time. Arrived at volleyball, only to wait for our fourth player for about 40 minutes before we started playing. Snapped at a good friend of mine during play when a ball too many was taken away from me because we had 5 people on a small court as opposed to the usual 2. Picked up my kids afterwards, and when my 10yo complained about having to go to skating the next day, I first convinced her not to go, then when she agreed, I told her that a good friend of hers was going. Vindictiveness was rampaging through my veins at that point. I knew exactly what I was doing to my own daughter, but I couldn’t bring myself to be a better person at that point in time.


By that time I had been snacking all afternoon, and I knew I should have stopped eating anything at all. But the bad mood was like a poison and made good choices impossible. So I continued snacking and even requested that my husband make me a drink. By the time I fell asleep I felt I weighed a thousand pounds and had a heartburn going.


My husband’s scream and swearing woke me up from my stupor. He was suffering severe leg cramps like he usually does after a long volleyball outing (he confessed to playing 4 hours of volleyball earlier). Groggily I tried to find our massage gun for him, the only thing that seemed to help him soothe and stop the pain when this happened, but I couldn’t find it. I did find the bed though, and while he still moaned and groaned downstairs, I laid my head on my pillow and went to sleep instead…


So the lousy mood carried over as soon as I woke up this morning. If I don’t do something to stop the spread now, my whole day will be ruined again. Everyone in the swath of my path would suffer, and most of all me.


Doing mean little things are like picking up little pebbles and stuffing them in my pocket as I go along on the journey of life. Every pebble adds on to the weight I’m carrying, and when I get to a point where I’m carrying too many, my progress stalls. If I want to go further I must first let go of my guilt pebbles.


My son got up. He went to bed suffering from the beginnings of a migraine, and now he’s all better. I asked him how he would like to have a better day. He said he had no idea. I said I would like to have a better day as well, and maybe we could put our heads together and come up with something. Maybe we’ll come up with something that works. With good intentions, and never give up.


We are going to try some yoga to start.

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